The Best Thing to Happen to Apple Since Isaac Newton

It took a fifth of bourbon, but I’ve finally worked up the nerve to write a post about Apple and their marketing tactics. That being said, please excuse any misplaced commas. Alright, down to business.

Last week saw the announcement of the iPhone 5 (the curiously named sixth installment in Apple’s line of brain tumor-enhancing devices) and with it came what has become commonplace for the tech behemoth’s advertising. Throughout the past month or so, a bunch of information that may or may not prove true was “leaked” to the public and, subsequently, one metric shit ton of hype has been produced. Then, upon its announcement, everyone and their mother marched down to the nearest Apple retailer and preordered like the sheep they are.

Don’t get me wrong. I like Apple products. I have an iPhone (albeit, a refurbished 3GS that still works just fine) and I’m typing this very blog on a MacBook. I’ve got no problem admitting they’re the best at what they do but something went awry on the way to the top.

Anyone remember this little gem?

When did we transform from that hammer-tossing Amazonian woman to the Q-tipped drones in grey?  When did what is essentially a repainted interface coupled with an operating system that 95% of users thought they already had become newsworthy? And, more importantly, why haven’t I been able to land a copywriting job when someone who works for one of the world’s most renowned companies got away with the headline, “The biggest thing to happen to iPhone since iPhone”? If the fact that Ashton Kutcher is starring in an upcoming biopic didn’t get Steve Jobs rollin’ in his grave, I sure hope that ad did the trick. Go fuck yourselves, Apple. I’m switching to Android.

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