In lieu of current events, I thought I’d take this opportunity to rant about something that’s been on my mind a lot recently. As an advertiser, how do you market something that is clearly inferior to its competitors? Normally, I suppose you would attempt to highlight a feature that might actually benefit the consumer in some way – say, a lower price, for instance – but what do you do when there is literally nothing good about your product? Take New Jersey, for example (ed. note: No, please. Take it). How does the Department of Tourism for America’s most hated state make that place seem appealing to anyone?
Sure, they’ve got Atlantic City. It’s been called “the poor man’s Vegas,” and for good reason. No one with an ounce of dignity or self-respect would spend a dime on the entertainment provided in that shithole, assuming they have the means and wherewithal to travel to some of the nation’s more glamorous destinations. It’s where people from Las Vegas go when they want to experience seedy subculture. And don’t even get me started on the beaches. You’re probably better off swimming in a pool filled with hypodermic needles or letting your kids build sandcastles made from biological waste.
And speaking of waste, did you know, as of June 2011, there are 845 active landfills throughout the state of New Jersey? The average landfill measures in at about 27.5 acres. That means around 23,000 acres are devoted to storing all of the country’s unwanted crap. New Jersey is only approximately 550,000 acres in size. Some simple math tells us that 4.18% of the entire state is actually covered in garbage. Even if you’re able to sift through all of it and find somewhere you’d like to visit, chances are you will, at some point, find yourself stuck in gridlock traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike. In their 2009 “State of the Air” report, the American Lung Association ranked it amongst the 25 worst roads in America, giving its level of pollution a failing grade for the 10th consecutive year.
Even professional sports teams are fed up with Jersey. The state’s famed Nets have officially uprooted and (with the help of their new co-owner, Jay-Z) moved across the river and into vastly superior Brooklyn. The franchise has called NJ “home” since back in the days of the ABA, but if there’s one man who’s always made good business decisions, it’s Hova. The team’s new logo was unveiled earlier today to mixed reviews but I say anything without the words “New Jersey” on it is a vast improvement.
So, New Jersians, I implore you: stop setting your filth adrift in the rivers and across our bridges. You’re stinkin’ up my town.