Penney for Your Thoughts (Ellen DeGeneres v. One Million Moms)

I’ve been attempting to limit myself to one post per week on here since my return from the holidays. No one likes an inconsistent blogger. But every once in a while, a story so good comes along – something so unbelievably heinous and/or brilliant – that my hand is forced. And this week, that story comes in the form of the JCPenney/Ellen DeGeneres/One Million Moms upside-down love triangle that never was.

Anyone who knows me – and I mean really knows me – will tell you that I’ll be the first (and often only) one to jump on an opportunity to trash the sanctity of motherhood. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve got the utmost respect for the fairer sex and know more than a handful of women who can attest to that. But my own, personal experiences have left me more than a little jaded when it comes to the subject of moms. So, you would think a self-proclaimed cynic such as myself wouldn’t think twice about a story like this. Yet, as if by some divine intervention, these particular mothers (all 44,000+ of them… no one is quite certain about the origin of the organization’s namesake) have displayed the exact type of ignorance and pension for inequality that are becoming increasingly regular fodder for my pen.

I realize I’m actually typing this right now. Just humor me for a moment.

For those of you who have no clue what I’m rambling about and haven’t already navigated away from this page in an effort to find out/shop for socks on, allow me to summarize: Basically, the fine folks at JCPenney recently asked everyone’s favorite daytime talk show host, Ellen DeGeneres, to be their new spokesperson (See? This actually pertains to advertising!). And why wouldn’t they? She’s kind, charismatic and funny. But, wait… what’s this? Now I’m being told that she’s also apparently a lesbian. Well, surely JCPenney won’t stand for that sort of behavior. Especially not when One Million Moms [a nonprofit organization whose motto is, “Where Christian (shocking – ed. note) mothers stand up for their children.”] have this to say:

DeGeneres is not a true representation of the type of families that shop at their store. The majority of JCPenney shoppers will be offended and choose to no longer shop there. The small percentage of customers they are attempting to satisfy will not offset their loss in sales.

JCPenney has made a poor decision and must correct their mistake fast to retain loyal customers and not turn away potential new, conservative shoppers with the company’s new vision.

By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JCPenney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.

Remember when I said I’m a cynic? When I first heard this story, I thought, “Great. Now JCPenney is going to cave under this pressure and renege on their offer.” But in a surprising turn of events, they did just the opposite and stood by their decision to employ Ellen, who’s too much of a sweetheart to tear One Million Moms a new asshole. Enter: me.

To say that Ellen isn’t a true representation of the typical JCPenney shopper would be to say that the average consumer who walks through the doors of any of their over 1,100 locations lacks compassion, intelligence and charm – an implication I highly doubt JCP (or any brand) wants to make. However, if those are the type of so-called human beings who belong to or otherwise support One Million Moms, might I make a suggestion to help you on your quest in finding a new place to shop for apparel: Lowe’s Hardware. I hear they’re very welcoming of your kind. And while a pantsuit fashioned from lumber may not be the most comfortable thing you’ve worn this season, something tells me a few splinters to the most delicate part of a woman’s anatomy might be exactly what you need.

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